Searching
by EbonyKittyCat552
Summary: Even after all this time, Abel is still searching for something, but even he's not sure what


This is kinda just some Abel and Seth bondingness... it might be slightly non-canon, but I don't really know or care

I figured that, since my friend asked me to do this one _last_ week, I should get around to it soonish, y'know?

Warning: Uh... adult themes... I don't think there's anything else bad in there

Disclaimer: Abel, Seth and everyone else in Trinity Blood belong to Sunao Yoshida *sniffle*

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"Won't you stay?" Abel refused to look down at his sister, knowing that her pale face would shine with hope, a pleading light in her emerald eyes. "We could be a real family, Abel. We could be happy."

Sighing, Abel lowered his eyes. He loved Seth, loved her quite a lot, but… but…

"I can't," he whispered.

For a few moments silence settled tensely between them. He heard Seth's shoes shift against the tiled floor, scraping over its hard surface as she fidgeted. "Why not?" she finally asked, sounding put-out, "We've just found each other, haven't we, and you're leaving already?"

"I told you, I _can't_," he repeated, not wishing to discuss this topic with her. She would push him, but his answer would be the same as it was the last time.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw her cross her arms and pout. "I don't understand you at all, Abel. You'd rather run off with those religious crazies and live amongst humans than stay with your own sister."

"You don't have to understand," he said briefly, his voice cooler than he had intended it to be. The dispassionate look on his face was replaced by a faint glare, his brows furrowing in frustration. "I simply can't stay here, Seth. I… I have a promise to keep, and things to do. I…"

"Just answer me this: Are you doing all of this because you actually want to, or because of _her_, Abel."

Why did she have to bring up Lilith? Abel gulped, a knot stuck painfully in the back of his throat. He could still remember everything. He'd been young and stupid, blinded by his hatred for the humans who had created him, who treated _his_ family like living killing machines, like less-than-people. Lilith had always argued that humans, while flawed, were every bit the same as he was, and that he shouldn't judge them all because of the actions of a few, but he had been unable to understand her pacifist stance. The path he'd taken was radically different from hers, despite his affection for her that might have been slightly less-than-brotherly. Only the shock of his life had turned him away from a path that he knew now he never wanted to follow.

But what a price it had come at. Abel had realized the truth far too late. The image of Cain holding her he—

No—he shook his head, trying to shake the image clean out of his mind despite the fact that it was as clear and sharp as that same day all those centuries ago—no, he didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about her. He didn't want to think about her death or about… about Cain either.

But… was he doing this because of her? Did he help all these humans, these weak, breakable creatures, simply because _she_ had wanted him to?

No, he decided. Once upon a time it may have all hinged on the promise he had made to her, and to himself—never to kill, never again to become a monster—but now… He _did_ care for some of those humans. Esther… Caterina… Alessandro… William… Noelle… Asta… He _did_ care about them. They were his friends, his second family in a way. His mind drifted to Esther, seeing her beautiful, heartbroken blue eyes on her pale, shyly smiling face. Maybe… maybe she was more than _just_ a friend. His cheeks tinted faintly pink.

"It's not… not _just_ about her," he whispered, a suddenly saddening thought crossing his mind. Esther… she deserved so much better than him. What good would a monster like him ever be to her? Besides, he… he couldn't let himself forget what he was: a sinner, murderer… monster. He was _not_ a human and never would be. Esther would age and die, and he would still be here for ages past her death.

"It's… about the humans, too. I understand them better, and I… I care for them, as well. Yes, it started with my promise to Lilith, but that's not all it is, not anymore. No matter how impossible it is to redeem myself, I will still try, and still help the people I care about… my friends."

"I can't say I understand you very well," Seth murmured, "But I think that you've redeemed yourself, Abel. All of that… it happened a very long time ago."

"That doesn't excuse it," he snarled. "It can _never_ be redeemed, never be forgiven."

"Lilith would have forgiven you." Abel's breath ceased at those words, and involuntarily he glanced towards Seth. "Lilith forgave you for everything without hesitation, no matter how cruel or horrible it was. She loved you. Well, she loved all of us, but I think she had a special place in her heart for you. She knew you better than you knew yourself, knew that you were a good person somewhere inside. You just had to find it, and you did, Abel. Isn't that enough? Isn't it enough that you're trying to help people, trying to fulfill a better future for humans _and_ methuselah?"

"I don't deserve forgiveness, no matter what I do," he replied firmly, his voice low and hopeless. "I can't undo what happened, all the lives that I took. I can't undo her death. Don't you know what Cain told me when he… when he brought _her_. He told me she had gotten in the way, that she was corrupting me, that she needed to be _removed_. She needed to be removed _because of me_, because I cared too much, because… because…" Tears pricked his eyes, and no matter how hard he tried to stifle them, the burning ache grew with an inexorable force that couldn't be denied.

A gentle hand touched his elbow. "It's not your fault, Abel." He allowed Seth to pull them down, so he sat with his back against the cold wall with her kneeling beside him, embracing him lightly. "Lilith's death wasn't your fault. We all make mistakes, brother, but you have to learn to move on."

"How..." he whispered. "How can I move on, Seth? How can I just _forget?_"

"You don't forget." Her voice was soft and soothing, her fingers warm as they brushed the loose strands of silver hair back from his face. "I think that what you really need, Abel, is to forgive yourself. That's what you're searching for, isn't it? Forgiveness?"

"I…" Helplessly, he looked up at her. "I don't know…"

"Lilith forgives you; she always did," Seth crooned as he allowed him to lean against her, subconsciously seeking comfort of his closest family. "If those humans can't forgive you, if they can't see who you are and how much you care for them, then _they_ don't deserve _you_. And _I_ forgive you, Abel. I'd forgiven you ages ago."

Tears drifted down his cheeks unchecked, but he hadn't really noticed until her gentle fingers brushed them away. "I'm sorry," he whispered with his voice, a barely audible whisper, husky from weeping.

"It's okay," Seth murmured, her eyes meeting his. "I've already forgiven you for everything, brother. I hope you know that I love you." He saw her lips curving up in a faint little smile at the corners, but to him it was anything but faint. It was reminiscent of a bright ray of sunshine against the darkness that seemed to hover over his life in a never-ending sea of misery. He was grateful for the little bit of comfort she could give him, though he hadn't yet accepted her words as truth. Maybe that _was_ what he was searching for… forgiveness, or perhaps just someone who would listen, who could accept him and not see only the monster inside him.

_Esther…_ Immediately an image of the spirited nun rose up in his mind. Her smiles were like rays of sunshine, too, only better. They left a sweet taste in his mouth.

Then he wondered… would _she_ be able to forgive him as well?

Seth touched his cheek again, and hugged him tenderly against her. "All you need to do is learn to forgive yourself, brother. Then, maybe, you'll find what you're searching for."

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Hm... Well, I'm not really sure I'd forgive myself either, but oh well... The Esther-pining was kinda fluffy (The next fic I'm doing with a heterosexual Abel is going to be Abel/Asta)

Review if you wish to


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